Kids these days

Drinking was fun for me and then it wasn’t. It became greedy, taking more than giving. Even so, I drank like a champion throughout my 20s and 30s. And with increasing frequency and secrecy.

Drinking for “fun” usually meant: binging until my body physically said “no more” either by puking or passing out (or both), saying and doing stupid shit, blacking out, battling debilitating hangovers, and hating myself for the person I had become.

I also drank to self-medicate. That’s when things really spiraled. I drank because I was depressed and I was depressed because I drank. I remember wondering how long I was going to allow myself to live this kind of lifestyle. I knew I needed to stop. I saw it getting worse. I began to fear how long my body would hold out at the rate we were going. And how much deeper I would sink. The life I was leading sure as hell wasn’t going to have a positive outcome.

I’ve had many “rock bottoms” and even more wake up calls, but none of them were ever enough to get me to choose a different path. I don’t know why the last night I drank was the last night I drank. Fear of what could have happened, YES. But something else clicked. I was ready to be done. Desperate to be done.

It took me longer than some to acknowledge my life wasn’t one I wanted to live, accept my failures and fuckups, and make a change—but I did it! I’m doing it. And I admire the hell out of everyone who has found their way out of the dark, all-consuming, spirit-breaking abyss that is addiction, and am especially awed by the kids who are finding sobriety in their 20s.

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